I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
