you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
