So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
