I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
