fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
