So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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