you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
