nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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