dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
