I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
