Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
