Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
