im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
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