we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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