I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
