Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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