a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
