I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
