My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
