I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
