you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
