Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
