You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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