I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
