I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
