Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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