i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
