I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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