Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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