Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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