tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
