I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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