Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
