hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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