I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
