Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
