he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
