apparently the secret to your success is patron
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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