I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
