wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
