Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
