Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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