eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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