I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
