u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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