dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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