Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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