Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
