we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
