As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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