the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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