So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
