2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.