dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
