I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
