i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
