he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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