i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
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When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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