then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
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he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.